We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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