It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he fucked my hip out of place.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
