I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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