last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
