Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my liver is dry heaving
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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