your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
