He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
