Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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