I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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