why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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