So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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