How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
