I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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