I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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