I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
