They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
