life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
