I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I met the friendliest cop last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
