im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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