Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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