I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
