having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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