Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
