i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
