May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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