When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
