So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
