Your tits are I can't wait for
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
