I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
did you just send me my own nude
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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