Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
