I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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