you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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