i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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