Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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