the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
