the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
