so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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