I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
