I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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