i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
