Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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