u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
