Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You can't special order awesome
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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