id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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