dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
