I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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