Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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