I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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