I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
