i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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